How To Be A Good WingMan

What makes a good wingman?

Is it simply eating a lot of chicken wings? Nope, you're way off. Not everything is about chicken wings, dude. A wingman is a friend who will go to a bar or nightclub or wherever overpriced drinks are sold and help you talk to strangers who you think are sexy. A great wingman is a friend who will do whatever it takes to make sure you find whatever success you are seeking.

In this topsy-turvy world where up is down, black is white, and La La Land was considered a good movie, things can be awfully confusing. That's why we've put together this handy guide, in honor of National Wingman Day, to teach you how to be a good Wingman. Or Wingwoman, though we don't think anyone has ever seriously used that term.

As Goose said to Maverick in the classic romantic comedy, Top Gun: "Hey Maverick, listen to me, I'm your best friend, Goose. I'll always be your Wingman, now let's Top Gun, baby!!!"

by Rory Jones

HOW TO BE A GOOD WINGMAN

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Act really lame so that your friend seems cool in comparison.

What's the best way to show off how great your friend is? By showing how incredibly lame you can be. Boast loudly about your Blu-ray DVD collection while breathing entirely through your wide open mouth. Ask everyone in view how much they weigh, how old they are, and how much money they make. Yep, you're the worst. Even if your friend is no prize himself, at least he doesn't suck as much as you.

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Constantly rub your bro's shoulders so that he feels relaxed and doesn't get nervous.

Trying to act suave around strangers is stressful, which is why a good wingman needs to be on standby to massage all the anxiety and tension right out of your bro's rigid shoulders. Feel free to bring some scented massage oils with you to the bar if you want! This is about making your main man feel calm and uninhibited, so really dig in there and give it your all. Fellow bar patrons will no doubt take note of your dedication to friendship and whisper things like, "Woah, what a cool and handsome friend."

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Give him the star treatment.

There's nothing sexier than a celebrity; so act like your buddy is one. Run up with A VERY EXCITED expression on your dumb face and ask for him to sign a piece of loose leaf paper you keep on you for just such occasions. After he's played the part of the friendly notable person and given you the ol' John Hancock, walk away while muttering, "Woah, Tom Hanks is a lot shorter in real life."

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Always check in.

Is your buddy hitting it off with someone? Excellent! Don't let him screw this up, though. Continually check in on them and say things like, "Don't fall in love, you two!" in a really dumb voice even though the whole point is for them to hit it off. Make sure to do this while winking repeatedly and nudging them both a little bit too hard in the ribs. The innuendo you're dishing out is sure to make tonight a triumph.

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Bring a snack.

Being a great wingman is a physically demanding task and food=energy. To that point, you'll want to grab your travel-size Parmesan for on--the-go fueling. If you're embarrassed about snacking in front of others, just pop into a restroom stall for a discrete but enjoyable ingestion session.

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Talk him up.

Tell stories about how awesome your buddy was in high school, but end each story by admitting that you were home-schooled in Alaska and didn't actually meet your friend until late last year. If anyone asks you why you keep lying, just smile and nod eagerly like they asked you if you like shrimp.

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Keep checking in!

This time, instead of doing the whole "wink wink/nudge nudge" routine, extend both of your arms out like wings and make vigorous airplane noises as you "swoop in" on them to make sure they're having a good time. If things look like they're going okay, go ahead and glide away to give them some alone time. Do this every three minutes just to be safe.

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Utilize technology.

If your friend has a big, high-stakes dinner date coming up, you'll want to hatch an elaborate scheme in which you attach a hidden earpiece to your friend so that you can covertly feed him dialogue during dinner. If he tells you that he really doesn't want or need a Wingman for this, follow him to the restaurant anyway and pretend you're feeding him dialogue. It's not pathetic, it's cool.

Don't get bored.

Look, being a Wingman gets boring sometimes. You're putting in long hours with very little to do other than make sure that your friend is getting the love and attention that you desperately want but are too terrified to seek out for yourself. Sometimes, you need to come up with some ways to divert your attention and keep yourself entertained.

Here's a list of things you can do to stave off boredom while performing the valuable duty of Wingman:

Check online how many episodes Frasier had.
See how hard you can squint without actually closing your eyes.
Count your teeth with your tongue.
Try to mentally change your favorite flavor of ice cream.
Sing as loud as possible with your mouth closed.
Replay the movie Twister in your brain, even if you've never seen it.
Think about how weird it is that your friend's love interest is drinking a huge cocktail with blue dye in it.

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Be a good boy.

Play it cool and don't let your buddy (or anyone else) know that you're a dog and aren't even allowed to be at this bar. Just keep sitting still and don't bark at anyone. You can do this, you're a good boy. Oh yes, you are.